the crank
letters to the editor

Some of them were actually published. In fact, one earned me a “Golden Pen” award from the now-defunct Phoenix Gazette (the afternoon paper published by the Arizona Republic's parent company). “Golden Pens” were bestowed on the most distinguished examples of the armchair editorialist's craft. In addition to an actual pen (emblazoned with a tiny Phoenix Gazette logo), the paper treated recipients — in groups of maybe a half-dozen every few months — to lunch in its fancy dining room with members of the editorial staff. I was seated next to the guy who wrote the editorial that my award-winning letter was designed to ridicule. The roast beef was delish.

Note: The “headlines” quoted at left and on the transcripts were written by the respective editorial page editors.

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